HURT

This post has nothing to do with triathlon, or my weird sleep issues, or really anything that I normally write about, but I have been thinking about it all night after reading Kelly's blog post while I was at work.

In particular, this phrase "...sometimes someone just needs to give us permission to feel overwhelmed. Permission to feel sad. Permission to feel hurt." really resonated with me.

I commented on the blog post and Kelly emailed me back some encouraging words and we exchanged a few emails.

It is ok to feel hurt. It happens to everyone. Unless you are a robot, there are people out there that have the ability to make you feel bad. It's worse if you have an unfortunate habit of letting people get a little too close. When I was in college, I had a big falling out with my best friend. For years I felt betrayed whenever I thought about her. We are acquaintances now; but we will never be close like we were before.

I don't deal with being hurt very well. I take it very, very personally. Like it is a personal vendetta against me rather than something else that might be going on in someone's life. I'm not saying that there is any kind of excuse for being hurtful. And I'm DEFINITELY not saying that I have never said or done anything that is hurtful. It is human nature - humans are selfish because that's how we had to act in order to survive. It takes work to be less selfish. And it takes patience and compassion when forming relationships with other people.

I find that there are always two options that come to my mind when someone that I care about makes me feel like shit. The first option is to acknowledge that someone hurt me and then move on. Cut them out of my life and walk away knowing that I am better off. Because theoretically, I am the one who allows that person to continue hurting me. This is the graceful method of dealing with this - a friendship that is demeaning, a family member that is berating, a boyfriend that is uncompromising. Walking away - no angry words spoken, no accusations, no crying. Just the statement of "I don't need this negativity in my life." I envy people who can do this. Mary can do this; I cannot.

The other option (which unfortunately is the one that always wins out for me) is to lash out at that person as a defense mechanism. This person hurt me, so I want them to understand what it feels like. Unfortunately, not only is this immature and mean, but if the person that I am lashing out at actually had the capacity or compassion to understand my feelings, then they probably wouldn't have hurt me in the first place. It's a waste of time, and then instead of feeling happy and avenged, I end up feeling even worse because I let my emotions take control. The low road never yields good results for me.

I write about this now because it just happened to me. I chose option #2. Months of anger due to pent-up hurt feelings came exploding out of me. (And I use the term pent-up pretty loosely because I tend to let everyone around me know exactly how I am feeling). Do I regret it? Absolutely. But there is nothing to be done about it now.

So anyways, that's just what I have been thinking about. It's off to listen to some "white noise" and hug a horse pillow!

where I'm racing in 2011

So now that it is 2011 (it's almost halfway through January already!) - I feel that the training season has officially begun. Especially since my weekend training hours have been creeping up shooting upwards like the Tower of Terror. (It unofficially began in Nov. 1st when I was forced to get off my ass and back onto my bike). What's the most fun thing to do early in the season? Plan races! Here is my alleged schedule. (Pending Coach Mary's approval, of course. But Coach Mary NEVER says no to me! Ok, she said no once. Big deal.) Note: only 4 triathlons this year. :( But 2 of those triathlons make up for the lack of others. Also, zero half-Ironmans. That makes me really, really sad. I loved the 2010 Tinman/Lake Placid combo but sadly, I could not find a half-IM that was within a reasonable driving distance at the end of May, and I'm not even going to TRY to fit one in between the 2 Ironmans.

Johnny's Runnin' of the Green - mid-March - 5 mile road race

Spring Forward Distance Run - end of March - 15k road race that is hilly as shit


Flower City Challenge - May 1 - local half-marathon


Keuka Lake Triathlon - June 5 - olympic distance tri


Ironman Coeur D'Alene - June 26


Cayuga Lake Triathlon - Aug 7 - olympic? sprint? who knows


Ironman Wisconsin - Sept 11

Anywho..

I am set for Coeur D'Alene. My flights are booked, my hotel is booked, I have transportation to and from the Spokane airport, and I have like 20 members of QT2 that are going to be there to keep an eye on me.

Wisconsin is still completely unorganized.. but it's months away! Plus, I am driving to that race so there are no airlines, rental cars, or bike bags involved.

This is the least amount of races I have done since 2007. It's gonna be weird!

Alexa can't sleep: the saga continues

Sleep Experiment Day 1: Ambien

Yesterday, I discovered what it's like to REALLY take Ambien. The first time I took it, I swallowed the pill without first reading the warning labels on the outside of the bottle - turns out, you're supposed to take it on an empty stomach. I had already eaten breakfast.

Anyways..

I got home from work yesterday morning at about 7:30 am. I was exhausted. I am used to taking Tylenol PM when I get home and then watching a little TV or reading a book for 30 minutes before my eyes start to get heavy. I figured I would do the same thing. I took the pill with some water (no breakfast), sat on the couch, and turned on an episode of Friends. No more than 10 minutes later I was seeing double. There were 2 Ross's and 2 Rachels on the 2 TV screens that I was looking at. Whoa. Time to go to bed.

Now let me reiterate. I don't do any kind of drugs. I barely even drink. Seeing double is NOT normal for me.

I got up to go to bed and immediately lost my balance. I am not exaggerating when I say that it was a BIG struggle to get myself down the hall, to the bathroom to pee and brush my teeth, and then to my bedroom to pass out. I left a wake of destruction in my path where I knocked things off my coffee table, kitchen counter, bathroom sink, and dresser because I had to grab ahold of these things (along with the wall) in order to stay upright. I woke up covered in bruises and with a very sore funny bone.

I guess Ambien has some crazy side effects such as sleeping while: driving, talking on the phone, eating, and having sex. I don't think I did any of these things? I live alone, and I barely have any food in my house. Maybe I should check the dialed calls log on my phone.. I wonder who I would call in my sleep?!

Taking this shit is like being shot with a tranquilizer! Next time I take it I will be sure to be in my PJs and in my bed so that I don't have to move once it's in my system. I actually only slept for about 4 hours. I woke up at noon and couldn't fall back asleep. However, when I was asleep, my cell phone buzzed with a text message and it was approximately 2 inches from my head - and I slept right through it. Normally, my phone buzzing from a text while in the NEXT ROOM is enough to wake me up.

When I went to the mall yesterday afternoon to return a winter coat to L.L. Bean, I wound up in Brookstone where I bought this sound therapy system. It was kind of a spontaneous purchase and rather pricey (which I am trying to not do) but if it helps me, it will be worth the money, and if it doesn't help me, I can return it (per the Brookstone employee I talked to).

If it's not obvious, I am starting to get desperate for more than 4 hours of sleep at a time. This desperation is resulting in me taking controlled substances which I am not in favor of doing, and spending lots of my hard-earned money on an f-ing sound machine.

hello, controlled substances

Wow. Crazy weekend. Wow. The really crazy thing? I did nothing but my workouts this weekend (and clean out my closet). I do not know where the time went.

I do know that I slept like shit last week (I was on nights). Friday, I went to my doctor to talk to him about it, and he prescribed Ambien for me. This is something that I had discussed with Mary because my lack of sleeping is interfering with my ability to go to work, my personal life, my training, and my general happiness and well-being. We're not just talking "a little tired." We're talking "not sleeping more than 2 hours a night (or rather.. day) for 5 days in a row." I was a zombie all week. I don't like the idea of relying on a drug.. but in reality, I am already taking Tylenol PM several nights a week to help with sleeping, which isn't much better. The doctor also asked me if there were any other reasons that I couldn't sleep (besides the shift work). I just cannot shut my brain off. Certain people, certain situations - just run through my brain and I can't stop it - I am attempting to remedy that. In the meantime, hello controlled substances, my name is Alexa.

Usually I sleep like a log Friday night so I did not try out the Ambien - big mistake - couldn't sleep. I then went to yoga on Saturday morning, cleaned out my closet (which resulted in 3 bags of clothes/shoes going to Goodwill and ~10 pairs of old running sneakers being donated to Fleet Feet), ran an hour, and biked 2 hours. I had the best bike ride that I've had in MONTHS. Nailed my heart rate zones, sweated my ass off - it was great.

Is it sad that the best Saturday night I've had in 2 months was one that consisted of a 2 hour bike ride and then taking an Ambien?

Probably.

The Ambien didn't help me much on Saturday night. I fell asleep pretty easily but I still woke up multiple times throughout the night which is typical for me. However, I think Ambien is supposed to only make you fall asleep.. not help you stay asleep. I'm hoping that moving to a quieter neighborhood helps me with this - less street noise. I may invest in some kind of sound machine or something. Jesus, I am probably the most high maintenance person ever to exist.

Sunday.. was worse. I just couldn't pull it together. I cut all 3 of my workouts short. By 2 pm I was so lightheaded that I thought I was going to die so I ordered takeout from IHOP. Yes, this is my life. 12 hours later, here I am. At work. My quads are SO sore - they have that post-marathon feel to them.. the feeling that if you take a step down some stairs, your leg may not be able to catch you. I'm a wreck.

I am hoping to wipe the slate clean in the morning when I go home. That is my new thing. Every time I lie down, it's a new day. It's a chance to put anything negative that has happened the previous day to bed as well. There is no need to carry around all of that negative energy because that is no help at all. And that is not helping with my sleeping AT ALL. I dwell on things which keeps me awake. Last summer, before Ironman, I was incredibly content and I never had problems like this.

Tomorrow (ummm - today) is a new day. It is also a rest day - thank god, because my entire body hurts AND I have to get my apartment presentable. Not just "looks ok from a distance" presentable or "suitable to have a boy over" presentable. Like, "my landlord is coming with possible future tenants" presentable. Meaning - bikes gone, ALL clothes put away, kitchen organized, nothing lying around. Yeesh. That's going to be a workout in itself!

Also, I need to return this winter coat that I bought for myself (that still is sitting in the bag with the tags on it after 2 weeks) so that I can buy this bookcase/room divider/storage solution for my new apartment. I am lusting after that bookcase like you would not believe. So much storage space for zillions of books and DVDs, so many possible ways to make my small apartment look more "adult." If it was acceptable to date a piece of furniture, well.. there you go - I would be dating an affordable, Swedish bookcase.

Happy Monday to everyone.. and happy rest day to MEEE!

home sweet home

I have a been a busy, busy girl this week!

Big news of the week: I am moving into a new tri-cave (you know, the place where I eat, sleep, play with my cat, and store my ridiculous amount of triathlon equipment) at the end of February.

I looked at one apartment. Just one. I hate apartment hunting. I liked the one I looked at so I made the call. The apartment is in one of the eastern suburbs of Rochester where there is less noise, better roads for cycling, and more security. It is also a studio apartment. A 27 year old girl living in a studio - pathetic? Perhaps. Carrie Bradshaw lived in a studio. I have better things to spend my money on than rent (such as plane tickets to Idaho. or IM merch. or anything, really). But it's a cute studio; smaller than my current apartment but nicer quality, better location, no wall-inhabiting squirrel or leaking windows - and after weighing the pros and cons I decided to go for it. It has a freakin' DISHWASHER. (Anyone who has scrubbed the grime out of 10 bike bottles using a paper towel wrapped around a fork knows how epic this is). I am going to buy a big-ass bookshelf. And although I detest moving, this is the perfect opportunity to do "the purge" of all the crap I have that is not needed. I am starting "the purge" this weekend by cleaning out my closets and donating all the clothes/shoes I don't wear to the Salvation Army.

Smaller apartment, simpler living. That's the whole idea.

Of course, the first thing my mom asked me was where my bike was going to go. Um, hello mom.. in the middle of my living room, exactly where it sits in my current apartment. Bike in the middle of the room, Ironman posters on the wall, finisher's medals and awards scattered around, a pile of dirty workout clothes in the corner, foam roller on the floor, wetsuit hanging off the shower rod, 6 different types of "ointment" for "areas" that my bike saddle comes in contact with in my bathroom. I don't pretend to be classy. My home will never be featured in H&G. I will never have a mature, grown-up apartment. I am just not that kind of person. I am less "pulled together" and more "mildly chaotic."

Maybe I will follow suit with Mr. Curbeau and get rid of all of my furniture altogether so that my only options are to a) sit on the floor or b) ride the trainer. (I think I would opt for the floor most of the time).

Maybe not. My cat would get pissed.

to sleep or not to sleep

I have been having trouble sleeping. Again. This pisses me off. I got home from work Monday morning, crawled into bed, and couldn't sleep worth a damn. After laying there all day, I eventually gave up and got up at 3. I had plans to go to yoga at 7:15. By 5, I knew that wasn't going to happen because if I didn't get at least a few hours of sleep, I would never make it through work on Monday night. So I went back to bed until 9:15. I spent like 12 hours in bed and probably only got 3 hours of sleep total.

When this issue with sleeping starts interfering with my LIFE, and things that I want to do - and ENJOY doing, I get mad. I don't want to not go to yoga. I don't want to cancel dinner plans with friends. I don't want to be constantly tired. And all of this stressing out about how I am going to sleep, or how I am going to do my workouts when I haven't slept, is just making it worse.

And this is why I love Mary. Because I sent her a ridiculously high-maintenance email in the middle of the night asking her to rework my weekly schedule because it's stressing me out. Part of me expected to get a "suck it up" response. Because part of Ironman training is sacrifice. Sacrificing a crazy social life to train, trading sleeping in for early morning workouts, getting on the trainer instead of lying on the couch in the evenings. And while I am prepared to do this, I also need a weekly schedule that I am TOTALLY on board with - that I can repeat week after week after week without skipping workouts. And so far this year, I haven't hit that. I haven't gotten into the groove like I did last year. And I need to find that place again because 2 Ironmans is not a joke.

And yes, I am super resistant to change. I am stubborn. I am set in my ways. I like consistency and knowing what is going to happen ahead of time. I want to rarely have to move workouts around. I want my schedule to be like last year's. I'm not sure if this is possible. My abilities as an athlete are evolving and perhaps my training schedule has to evolve with them. A swim is added. Weekly bike rides are getting longer. Can all of this happen while maintaining the same weekly structure that I am so familiar with? I don't know. That is why Mary is the coach and I am the one being coached.

But the fact that Mary is willing to listen to my demands says a lot. I might get similar workouts week to week, but it's definitely NOT a cookie cutter training plan. She helps fit my training schedule to my life to reduce my stress and make training easier on me. That's a lot of work. I'm sure just reading my whiny emails is work enough!

I have always been a sort of "troubled sleeper." I have trouble falling asleep, and I am a very light sleeper so things such as: my cat crawling on me at night, a car alarm going off outside, drunk people running up and down the stairs, or a squirrel living in my walls tend to wake me up multiple times per night. Sometimes I take Tylenol PM to help me sleep - but I try not to do this very often because it makes me really groggy for several hours after I wake up. Plus, I don't think you really get quality sleep when you take that kind of sleep aid, but I do use it occasionally.

Sleeping is SO IMPORTANT to training, recovery, happiness, and health. It is so frustrating that I have to deal with this. My body is tired. Why can't I sleep?

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!

My new year's eve day was pretty good! Going to bed super early has its advantages - I was up at 7:30 and read a book on my Kindle until yoga at 11 am. Yoga was NUTS! There were probably 45 people at Mary's class.. and let me tell you, the hot room gets WAY hotter with that many people in it. I'm not really a "sweaty type" but I was dripping onto my mat and my hands and feet were slipping from the sweat. Gross, I know. TMI. Sorry!

Kim, Matt and I went to eat lunch after yoga and as Kim and I were walking to our cars I was like "Kim, my underwear is SOAKED." And she replied, "Why don't you take it off? Mine is in my pocket!"

Only ladies of Train-This are THAT classy.

(Sorry boys, Kim has a boyfriend)!

Anyways. I watched "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" on my trainer ride yesterday, and then "The Girl Who Played with Fire" on my ride today. I wasn't too sure how well I was going to be able to ride and read subtitles (the movies are in Swedish) but it worked out just fine.

I think I already posted some "resolutions" (if you want to call them that) a few weeks ago - they were all triathlon related. I have some non-tri things that I am going to try to work on during 2011. These include:

-reading more books (should be easy with the Kindle) instead of turning off my brain to watch some movie I've already seen 5 times.

-simplifying life - not buying things that I don't need, getting rid of things I don't use, keeping my apartment clean and picked up; all these things make my environment better and REDUCE STRESS!

-saving money. I have discovered that it is quite easy to save money, IF you have something to save for. In a few months I have managed to save a lot more money than I thought, and I can still pay all my bills and whatnot. It just takes a little willpower - so after I am done saving for these Ironmans, I am going to pick something else and start saving money for that - perhaps a vacation to somewhere cool!

-try not to be so neurotic. I haven't figured out how to tackle this one yet! :)

That's about it! I still have tomorrow to chill out.. I LOVE 3 day weekends! Unfortunately, I have to go back to work on nights for the next 2 weeks. :(