Wednesday, November 26, 2014

What's next?

The off-season has been treating me well. I have been busy between work, class, friends, being in a relationship, and everything else that life brings. I have been sporadically doing workouts when I can and am motivated. I was not feeling too great after the marathon. I really put a lot of stress on my knee during the race, so I took a while off (a month?) afterwards. When I started running again, I was still having some knee pain. I wasn't into racing cyclocross this year due to being so out of shape (for cycling), so I did 5 races and called it quits for the year. I miss it, but I want to tackle it head on next year with some cycling fitness. Also, it does get expensive racing every weekend for 2+ months so the money savings was an added bonus.

I still haven't figured out what I am doing next year. School really throws a wrench into my training and unfortunately, it IS the priority right now (it's f-ing expensive). I have a love/hate relationship with grad school. I LOVE learning, I love going to class, I love feeling like I am challenging myself, I love meeting fellow stats nerds, I love that I am working towards a career that I want. I don't love the enormous amounts of stress (both external and internal) to get work done, get good grades, and make time for everything else. I was a bit of a shut-in in college (my best friends were all also biology majors - coincidence?) because being a good student and getting that 4.0 was so important to me. (I missed a 4.0 in undergrad by 0.02.. one B). It's still very important to me, but obviously, I can't do that now. I have a job that I need to be focused on, a Green Belt project at work which is going to require additional time commitments, and other life commitments that I never had when I was younger. Time management and having an ongoing balancing act is not something I'm great at.. but I am working on it.

The next few weeks as I round out the end of the semester are going to be crunch time. I've already (nicely) informed John that our time together is going to have to include my laptop and my current textbook. He gets it. The less stressed I am, the more pleasant I am to be around.

As for races, I am planning on Fleet Feet's 4 Season Challenge (if I can ever scrape up the $250 registration fee), and the Seneca7. Those are the only things that I have really decided on. John has already registered for the 4SC. He's also doing Syracuse 70.3 and IMLP next year. I am hoping to do a lot(some?) of his IM training with him (mostly for my own benefit). I would love to get back into triathlons. It's been over 2 years.. I needed a break, both physically and mentally. Now, I am not sure if I have the time that I need to train to get back to the level that I was at. It's important to me to race to my abilities (ESPECIALLY in triathlons b/c that is my "thing"). He's convinced he can get me back out there. I'm not so sure yet..

I'm not too worried about next year. I know I can do whatever I need to do. I am mostly just trying to swallow the reality of this past year.

I have been on this planet for 30 years (almost 31) and I can say, with certainty, that 2014 has been the most emotional, devastating, and hard year of my life. I still don't think I have fully processed the loss of my mom in January. Sometimes I actually forget that she's gone. I still expect her to answer the phone when I call home, or to be cooking Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. And then it comes rushing back to me and I go from being completely fine to a crying mess in 5 seconds. Which makes me feel guilty about planning for the future, or being worried about things that are going on right now. It's a lot of emotion and I don't know how to manage it yet.

This whole post has unraveled now. This is exactly what happens. I start out fine and then I think about my mom and I just completely lose it and end up crying on my couch for 3 hours.


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