The Trouble With Insomnia

Today, I want to talk about insomnia. It's not a new topic on my blog, but has gotten much worse since I stopped writing regularly, and has probably been the biggest contributing factor to my lack of blog motivation (or really, motivation to do anything at all). It's one of those things that I have felt very alone in dealing with, but once I made it public (on facebook of all places) it became clear to me from peoples' responses that a lot of others struggle with the same problem. I felt ashamed that I couldn't sleep - it is supposed to be a natural human function, just like being hungry or having to use the bathroom. I felt pathetic that I was trying to deal with it using pharmaceuticals. I felt embarrassed that my life was spiraling out of control because I couldn't sleep.


So that being said.. this is my story about insomnia.

I have dealt with insomnia for over a year. As most people know, my job requires me to do shift work (2 weeks of overnights, 1 week of evenings, 2 weeks of day shift). Shift work disorder is very real, and is very difficult to cope with. Mine was very slow in developing. At first, it was just when I was working overnights - sleeping during the day was hard because it was going against my body's natural instinct. I went to my doctor and got a prescription for Ambien, at Mary's suggestion. That worked for a while. Then I developed problems sleeping all the time, be it when I was working days, nights, evenings, weekends, whatever. The Ambien that I had been taking "nightly" lost its effectiveness.

People who don't deal with sleep issues really have no idea how much of a problem it is to live with them. Practically everyone that hears about it has some sort of home remedy that works for them. Trust me - I have tried them all. I have tried warm milk, playing distracting games in my head, journaling before bed, meditating before bed, sleeping pills, booze, the unfortunately combination of sleeping pills & booze (not advisable), getting up and reading or watching TV when unable to sleep, staying up all night to try to sleep better the next night.

Nothing worked.

I hit a really bad spell about 2 months ago when I was working my 2 weeks of day shift. I find that the hardest shift for me to sleep on (surprisingly enough) is when I work days and sleep nights. I usually go to bed between 9 and 10 and get up at 5:15 am. I would go to bed, lie there, toss and turn, and not sleep until my alarm went off. Then I would have to drag myself to work, using coffee as my only means of staying awake. One good thing that did come from this fight with insomnia was the purchase of a Mr. Coffee K-Cup machine!

Anyways, during the 2 weeks that I was working days, I literally could not sleep. At all. The first two nights I didn't sleep but I managed to make it through the following days, but by Wednesday I was dragging. I thought for sure I would sleep Wednesday night but by that point, my anxiety over not sleeping (the thoughts of "oh my god I need to sleep" or "how am I ever going to get through another day of work like this" or "am I ever sleep again" plus much more horrible, disturbing things that I won't speak of here just kept playing on repeat in my mind. Accompanied by bouts of hysterical crying, of course). Come Thursday, I could barely make the drive into work. It was a slow day and my supervisor was out, and I wound up with my head on my desk for half the morning. This did not make me feel good. I am paid to go to work, do a good job, and be reliable. I didn't feel like that employee. I was making mistakes. I was repeating things because I couldn't focus and my hands were shaking. Then I was not being productive at all and sitting at my desk trying to just make it through the day. And then I lost it and started crying in the office. Terrified that someone would see me, I managed to dry my tears, and went to go find covering supervisor (he works closely with my supervisor who was out for the day), saw him, and immediately burst into tears. He asked me what was wrong and I managed to choke out "I can't sleep." He sent me home for the day.

That was the point where I resolved to do something. I refused to live like this. I didn't care how many doctor's appointments, prescription drugs, therapists, WHATEVER, it took.. I was going to sleep again.

So I saw a different doctor. I explained to him what was going on in my head when I was trying to sleep. I asked him if he could just tranquilize me so that I could get at least one night of sleep. He prescribed me Lorazepam (for anxiety) and said that was exactly what he was going to do. That Lorazepam has been a life saver. I take it right before I go to bed, and then I read in bed for 30 minutes or so, and I can actually fall sleep again - it relaxes me enough that my mind doesn't go into overdrive anymore (at least right before bedtime). I also saw a PhD at a sleep clinic. She was able to create a "sleep schedule" for me for each of my three shifts and explain to me the biological reasons as to why I was having the problems.

So I am doing all that I can do for my problems. I still get anxious sometimes and I still have nights where I don't sleep very well, but I feel much more confident about my long term success. I was tired of whining about being tired all the time, and I am so glad that I have been able to address the problem (for the time being). I think being open to absolutely any solution helped me out. As an athlete, sleep is one of THE most important factors in my training. I finally am feeling back to normal, which is good timing because my first race of the season is in 3 days!

Not My Year

Sometimes, it just isn't your year.

This year is not my year.

Thank god I am not registered for an Ironman. Thank god I was able to drop from the Keuka intermediate distance to the sprint this coming Sunday (which I actually think I'll be able to race since I have now officially swam in the lake, biked, AND run since my crash). Thank god that Musselman isn't until July. Maybe I will actually have some fitness by then. THANK GOD Timberman (my expensive race and my focus race of this "season") isn't until August.

Thank god wine is cheap.

Thank god I have lovely friends that like to drink wine with me and understand how frustrated I am.

But maybe I can turn things around. I have won the battle against insomnia. My knee feels ok (for now). My injuries from the crash are finally healing. And ready or not - race season is here, and EVERYONE LOVES RACE SEASON!!!

Crashing is never fun

So.. 2 months later. Here I am. I am hoping to get back into regular blogging. Really hoping!

I have been really struggling this season to get my training done. Between battling with insomnia since the beginning of the year (which I think I have FINALLY figured out) and a knee issue that has been persisting since November, things have not been good. I train when I can, but until a few weeks ago, it was very discouraging and just not my main focus.

Then, I was able to sleep. (I may detail this journey in a different post). Then I started running again. Then I rejoiced! Maybe my season wasn't over! Maybe I could race the Keuka Olympic distance instead of deferring to next year or dropping down to the sprint distance. Maybe I could actually be competitive at Timberman in August! Life wasn't over yet!

Then, on my "long ride" (which was 2 hours) on Saturday, I crashed my bike 10 minutes from finishing up. I saw a pothole too late, tried to swerve out of the way but hit it anyways, lost control, and hit the pavement. I managed to stagger to the side of the road with my bike in tow (after checking the carbon frame for cracks, of course) and crawl onto the sidewalk, where I laid down. My right leg was killing me and I had minor road rash on my left palm and my right elbow. I think I was mostly just in shock. I sat up and tried to formulate a plan: how to get home. I didn't think I could ride the rest of the way home, and I didn't want to walk/hobble (it was probably 2 miles). So I called Kim (crying, obviously), who was the closest person to where I was, and left a voicemail. While I was waiting for her to call me back, I was trying to figure out who else to call, and then 2 cyclists stopped to help me. They were nice - they got me ice for my leg (which had immediately started to bruise and swell up) and offered to drive me home, and then Kim called me back and said she was on her way. She showed up 10 minutes later, drove me and my bike home, and helped me get it inside, where I then showered off the blood and started icing my leg.

Then I checked out my bike more closely and saw that my right aerobar was broken, so not wanting to waste time, I ran it to the bike shop so that I could get a replacement part ordered ASAP.

I had to take Sunday and Monday off from workouts. I couldn't run (I could barely put weight on my leg) and I didn't want to swim because I didn't want to get nasty pool water into my open road rash on my palm (which has turned out to be the worst of my few injuries). On Tuesday, I was climbing the walls at home so I got on my trainer and spun for 45 mins. That was the rest of my week.. 50 minute spins on my broken bike on the trainer. It went to the shop to get fixed on Friday and now I have it back!

It stinks that I am dealing with yet another setback, but honestly, I am SO thankful that I am not *really* hurt. People crash their bikes and they break their collarbones, pelvises, get hit by cars, or die. I have a hematoma on my leg and brush burn on my palm. No car ran over me while I was lying in the road, tangled in my bike. I didn't have to be picked up by an ambulance. I didn't even have to go see a doctor. So while I might be annoyed that I don't know what I am going to do about my race that is 1 week from tomorrow, I really am lucky.

About that race.. I have dropped from the Intermediate distance to the Sprint distance, but it's not going to be pretty. What's even more unfortunate is that I won this race last year. So it's going to be hard to go from winning by a 9 minute margin in 2011 to sucking in 2012. But.. I wouldn't miss Keuka Lake Tri for the world!

Update: bullet style!

So a quick update. I know I haven't been blogging. This has been my life: eat, sleep, work, train, read Game of Thrones, repeat, repeat, repeat.

I'm going to do this bulletpoint style due to sheer laziness.

• If you somehow have not heard of the Eggers vs. Armstrong (as in, LANCE ARMSTRONG) 50 yd kickoff set for next month (at UB) with all proceeds going to charity, you must live under a rock. So go to Mary's blog to see the post that started it all, that thanks to social media, was retweeted enough for Lance to actually see it and respond to it via twitter. It is really happening. Details on the event, donations, etc. will be available soon!

• I am running Johnny's Runnin' O' the Green this coming Saturday, on St. Paddy's Day! It's my first race since the Run for the Diamonds which is where I hurt my knee to begin with! I have been instructed not to really race it - I'm just doing it because it's a Rochester tradition and I love the long-sleeved cotton race shirt that comes in the packet. So it will be a nice easy going race for me with no PR attempts or other nonsense. Then, maybe a green beer afterwards!

• I am obsessed.. OBSESSED with Game of Thrones. I am on the 2nd book (Clash of Kings) and I bought Season 1 of the show (airs on HBO) the day it was released, and it was spectacular. The first book was a little hard to get into.. there is almost no back story and there are a TON of characters, so it took me almost the entire first book to get everyone straight, but the TV show is able to do this without a problem, and probably even strengthened my understanding of what is going on the book. Highly, highly recommended!

• I have been playing with makeup this year (goal of 2012 - be a grownup/real girl) and I am definitely getting better at it. I am figuring out the products I like and what works for me (eye/hair color, skin tone, and my style which is definitely subtle). I went to a party on Saturday night and several of my friends didn't even recognize me. This is what happens when you normally see your friends and you are a) wearing a swimsuit, b) hair is in a ponytail, c) are sweating, or d) all of the above. I think that was the first time Mary has ever seen me in real pants or with my hair washed! YIKES.

• I am going to try to write more. I know. Try is the operative word here. I do keep up with my google reader and try to comment every once in a while!

MIA

I have been MIA (in life) for the past month or so. Between the holidays, working more weeks of nights than I was supposed to work, and coming down with a nasty sinus infection last week, I have not been "living the good life" lately. No complaints, just sometimes it happens.

Thanks to a some lovely bacteria, I was knocked on my ass for the better part of last week. I called in sick 2 days (out of a 4 day week) and missed FOUR DAYS of workouts. I started feeling bad Monday night, and I finally gave in and went to my doctor on Friday morning after being unable to kick the sick on my own in 4 days (including Wed. and Thurs. nights off - I was working overnights). P.S. I think "kick the sick" is going to be my new catch phrase because I'm awesome and just made it up and it rhymes and everything!

Sunday and Monday I forced myself through some workouts because I couldn't take being sedentary for any longer. Now I am finally feeling back to normal, although I still have a runny nose and some sinus fluid drainage (sexy, I know). Unfortunately, I can DEFINITELY feel the hit to my fitness levels, however, illness happens and I'm glad that I took those 4 days and rested rather than push through and exacerbate the situation. How can I tell I am not totally recovered and back to normal? Well, for once I am actually able to ride in my Z1 on the bike without killing myself. I am pretty sure it isn't a "hey my legs are magically stronger" moment and more of a "wow my body is still fighting off an infection" kind of thing. Also, swimming on Wednesday (I was doing 300s) was really hard. Like really, really, really hard.

Anyway, the end is in sight. After this week I am off of nights for a little while, I am feeling 98% healthy, the rehabilitation of my knee is going well (PT, functional strength training, and 10 min. of running at a time), and my birthday is next week!

I am turning 27 again, not 28 (FYI), so if you are going to gift me a time machine, you'd better make it fast. If not, I'll figure something else out. :)

Resolutions and Goals

Happy 2012 Everyone! I know I am a few days late.. whoops!

I like the idea of making New Years Resolutions but I am not always the greatest at thinking of good ones or keeping the ones I have made. Last year I feel that I did pretty good. My four resolutions were: read more books, simplify life, save money, try not to be so neurotic. Haha! I definitely think I met all of those resolutions. I read tons of books thanks to my Kindle, I simplified life by moving into a smaller apartment and selling some things (like my road bike) that I wasn't using, I saved money and completely paid for the 2 Ironmans that I did (by myself without having to convince my parents that a condo in some obscure town was the perfect vacation.. not that I did that for IMLP or anything..), and I was WAY less neurotic, I swear!

I am so proud that I actually kept my New Years Resolutions for once in my life! And actually, I couldn't remember what any of them were until I looked back to last year's post, so these must have been things that I REALLY wanted to change without needing to remind myself about them.

I try to keep them separate from race goals because I feel that resolutions are life changes that will improve your quality of life and race goals are just arbitrary goals that you strive for in order to improve.

So..without further ado.

2012 New Years Resolutions

1) Save money, for real, in a SAVINGS ACCOUNT (and NOT spend it on races/gear/toys/clothes/etc.).

2) Learn some things about wine. I have discovered in the last year or so that I really like drinking wine. It's (mostly) affordable, it's classy, it tastes way better than beer, and I am surrounded by it with the Finger Lakes region a short drive away. Unfortunately, I know next to nothing about wine, and tend to just buy the same 2 or 3 kinds over and over again whenever I hit up Disney World for adults the liquor store. Or I'll go to a restaurant and stare at the wine list for 20 minutes like an idiot.

3) Make more time to be social (I am doing pretty well with this one already but I want to improve), and actually dress appropriately for social outings (i.e. like the almost-28 year old female that I am) - yoga pants do not count! Actually, Lululemon apparel (even though I love it) in general should not count.

4) Ride Cherry 1x per week for the entire year.

5) Expand my social circle beyond Train-This and my 2 bike shop friends (seriously, I am not kidding.. all of my Rochester friends ride bikes). Unfortunately, the shift work required by my job hinders my ability to take classes or do activities that meet regularly, which I guess is the way that people make friends? I have no idea..
 


2012 Race Goals

1) Sub-1:40 in the half marathon - I am currently at a PR of 1:40 in 2011.

2) Sub-5 hours in the half-IM (this is a HUGE stretch.. so realistically, I am going to say sub 5:10) - my PR is currently 5:16 from 2010.

3) Run a 1:45 half-marathon split in a half-IM - my fastest split is 1:50 - 2010.

4) Run a legit marathon time.. which at the moment is TBD.

5) Learn to do a flying dismount.. FOR REAL. This has been a goal for the past 2 years and I have yet to even attempt to learn this trick. I am scared. I am not graceful, and my bike has an X-Lab on the back. To me, this screams disaster waiting to happen!




I know my blog sucks lately, so maybe I should make that a resolution - actually post more! I do read posts from everyone on my blogroll and I try to comment when I can (i.e. when I am reading on a computer and not on my iPhone while in bed). At this point, I feel like I have already blogged about all of the exciting parts of triathlon training, I've raced pretty much every distance out there (minus anything "ultra" and I don't think I'll ever be going to that "special" place), and I don't really know what else I can contribute that isn't repetitive. So until I get something else to write about, I don't want to bore people with "well today I rode my bike and then ran for 30 minutes" because pretty much everyone does that already and no one cares!

Also, I have recently started using FourSquare on my iPhone (it's actually kind of fun) and all it does is prove how boring I really am. The only places that I "check in" to with any regularity are: my work, the Y, and Wegmans. Seriously, does life get any more exciting than that, my friends?

Here is to a new year, a less boring blog, and new and exciting things to conquer!

2011 in Review: the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Since the end of 2011 is rapidly approaching, I figured I would do a post with the highlights and lowlights of the past year. A lot of people use this to post their "yearly numbers." I don't do that.. it's not my style and frankly, I don't know. I honestly couldn't even guess how many miles I've swam, biked, or run. A lot. End of story! So here is my year of memories, accomplishments, disappointments, and just plain stupidity! And a LOT of links to race reports and creepy blog friends (and some real life friends too). :)

The Good

I PRed in the half-marathon distance at the Flower City Challenge HM. Yes, it was only by 40 seconds, and it still didn't bring my PR to sub 1:40, but I was still excited.

I WON my first race at the Keuka Lake Sprint triathlon! It was a small race, but it was awesome to finally win something (I have been close before) and stand on the top of that podium.

I think I sprinted up there to get on that podium first!

I did 2 Ironmans in 3 months. 'Nuff said.

Not only did I meet Cait Snow, but I made it into her IMCDA race report (mention AND photo!!!!).

oh wait, you've seen this photo before? my bad :)

I added 5 states to the list of states I have been to which were: Washington, Idaho, Indiana, Illinois, and Wisconsin. Obviously, the only two I spent any real time in (other than driving) were Idaho and Wisconsin. Wisconsin I'd visit again in a second - Idaho, not so much.

My family came to a whole bunch of my races. My parents were there when I won Keuka, and they were there at IM Coeur D'Alene to help me out with my medical tent disaster. They missed IM Wisconsin but only because I didn't want them to have to stand around for a whole day at IM #3.

I bought an iPhone 4 which has basically altered my existence.

I moved to a new apartment! It's cleaner, nicer, homier, quieter, and there is no squirrel taking up residence with me and Fiona. Even though it's small, I absolutely love it there, and I am no longer embarrassed to have people come over to my home!

I read a ton of books in the past 12 months, thanks to the Kindle I got for Christmas last year. Some of my favorites include: Water for Elephants, The Hunger Games trilogy, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo trilogy, Pillars of the Earth, and World Without End. There are many, many more but those are some that I loved so much!

My friends have become an even more amazing part of my life this year. I actually maintained my social life (although it's not as exciting as some peoples' social lives I am sure) with trainer sessions/long rides with Kim, girls' nights with Ari and Sam, bar nights with Matthias, Amanda and Greg's wedding, and some fun outings with Solveig. I had a ridiculously fun race experience at mini-Mussel with Greg and Mary. I met a whole bunch of creepy internet friends: Jon, Mandy, Emily, Kevin, Anne-Marie, and Laurie. Also, 3 of my friends got engaged this year (Kerry, one of my long-time horse friends, Amelia, and Kim)!

FRIENDS!!

I have begun to consistently ride Cherry again, which is something that has escaped me since this whole Ironman nonsense began in 2010. I am so much happier when I get to spend time at the barn and in the saddle, so I am going to try my hardest to make this work around my big training weeks in the summer. Plus, Cherry deserves the best care possible for as long as she's around! She has been such a great 4-legged companion for the past 17 years of my life. Really, she's the best horse I could ever ask for and I love her so much!

she is sooooooo awkward, just like ME!

The Bad

Despite my increased training, swimming more yards per week, more 6 hour bike rides, multiple 3 hour long runs, even with two attempts, I did not have the Ironman that I wanted. I wanted to PR, I wanted to go sub-12, and I wanted to run a good IM marathon. I was unable to do any of those things. I think I would have been happy if I had hit at least one of those goals, but I didn't. Regardless of the small victories that I had (the completion of two more Ironmans, figuring out long ride nutrition, the success of those 3 hour runs), my failure to meet my own goals has cast a shadow over much of the 2011 season. I know that is negative, and I know that people are not happy with my perspective on it, but that's the way it is. The best I can do is take what I have learned this year and apply it to the future.

Mary sold Train-This in the fall of 2011. Although this is definitely a personal achievement for Mary (she was invited to join the coaching staff of QT2 Systems, which she accept, and which we are ALL proud of her for), I am still sad about it. Train-This has become a family to me. We are so close; most of us are in Rochester so we raced together, went to training camp together, joked around on the google group, and saw each other in training hot spots like Mendon Ponds Park and Canandaigua Lake. Even though the friendships are still there, and I have followed Mary to QT2 (which I do believe will help me improve next season), it's different now. I loved that Train-This was a local, help-you-out kind of coaching service. It was affordable, it was flexible, there were no limits to how often I could text, tweet, facebook, email, or call Mary. You don't find service like that very often, where someone launches a business because they truly love it and aren't trying to make tons of money off of it. Since it has changed hands, the logo has been altered and the name has changed to T2 Multisport. Although I understand why the company has been madeover, it still bums me out that the Train-This that I have loved for 2 years is gone.

I spent all of my money on Ironman this year. Literally all of it. Between race entries, travel (flights to and from CDA and all that driving for IMOO), hotels, coaching, equipment (hello, Garmin 310XT), I came out of the race season with no extra money saved. I don't regret it because I believe that I should embrace opportunities that I may never get to experience again, but it has made things difficult for the past 3 months as I struggle to pay my regular bills. I didn't think I would be having this kind of trouble, but my coaching has increased in cost and I am now paying off a new laptop that I bought when I was forced to replace my Macbook that died in July. I am praying to the gods of triathlon that my year end bonus arrives both swiftly and plentifully!


The Ugly

I will be happy if I never have to see the inside of a medical tent again. Hours of my life were wasted inside the medical tent after IM Coeur D'Alene, begging for that sweet, sweet IV that fixed my dizziness and nausea when they finally gave it to me (hours after I first got carted into the tent). Between passing out in the changing tent and puking in the medical tent, my IMCDA post-race celebration was not very good. There was less dizziness at IMWI, but there was vomiting both during the run and after the race in my hotel room. Again, vomiting = NOT FUN.

dizziness FTW

I still hate wearing pants. Unfortunately, it's December, and even though it's been unseasonably warm, I can no longer lounge in my apartment sans pants because one thing I hate even more than pants? A high electric bill! I have moved on to the winter equivalent of no pant - giant sweatpants and/or a snuggie.

I am still single. (Which honestly, and I am really being totally honest here and not pretending in order to make myself feel better or to convince the world that I am "better off without men," is fine. I am happy enough with the way things are in my life). After last year, I swore I would swear off boys eternally (2010 was the year of two breakups). Which I sort of did. Because my choice in men is.. questionable. But then, you know, I get bored. Seriously. It's just boredom that makes me think I want to find a boyfriend. Oh yeah, and that looming deadline of being 30 that has been arbitrarily stuck in my head as the age to be married by (ummm.. I can tell you now.. that's definitely not going to be met). But.. I have nothing to show for my year except for a whole bunch of super awkward dates with a bunch of weirdos. Maybe I am ready for part 2 of this blog post? Luckily I have Matthias who is basically my pretend boyfriend because his girlfriend, Sabrina, lives in California, so he hangs out with me, which is perfect because I don't cross those kinds of lines, and I find him totally non-threatening because he's in a relationship!

In Conclusion..

I am (mostly) happy with my year. Meaning, I will look back on it fondly. It didn't have the ultimate highs that I got in 2010 (my big half-IM PR and my first Ironman), and it did have some disappointments, but at least I tried. I feel that most of the great parts of 2011 were actually NOT triathlon related, which is totally fine! Overall, I was more levelheaded, I felt like I knew more of what I was doing (training-wise), I handled working the night shift better, and I never had that post-Ironman depression that killed me in 2010!

On to 2012!!