HURT

This post has nothing to do with triathlon, or my weird sleep issues, or really anything that I normally write about, but I have been thinking about it all night after reading Kelly's blog post while I was at work.

In particular, this phrase "...sometimes someone just needs to give us permission to feel overwhelmed. Permission to feel sad. Permission to feel hurt." really resonated with me.

I commented on the blog post and Kelly emailed me back some encouraging words and we exchanged a few emails.

It is ok to feel hurt. It happens to everyone. Unless you are a robot, there are people out there that have the ability to make you feel bad. It's worse if you have an unfortunate habit of letting people get a little too close. When I was in college, I had a big falling out with my best friend. For years I felt betrayed whenever I thought about her. We are acquaintances now; but we will never be close like we were before.

I don't deal with being hurt very well. I take it very, very personally. Like it is a personal vendetta against me rather than something else that might be going on in someone's life. I'm not saying that there is any kind of excuse for being hurtful. And I'm DEFINITELY not saying that I have never said or done anything that is hurtful. It is human nature - humans are selfish because that's how we had to act in order to survive. It takes work to be less selfish. And it takes patience and compassion when forming relationships with other people.

I find that there are always two options that come to my mind when someone that I care about makes me feel like shit. The first option is to acknowledge that someone hurt me and then move on. Cut them out of my life and walk away knowing that I am better off. Because theoretically, I am the one who allows that person to continue hurting me. This is the graceful method of dealing with this - a friendship that is demeaning, a family member that is berating, a boyfriend that is uncompromising. Walking away - no angry words spoken, no accusations, no crying. Just the statement of "I don't need this negativity in my life." I envy people who can do this. Mary can do this; I cannot.

The other option (which unfortunately is the one that always wins out for me) is to lash out at that person as a defense mechanism. This person hurt me, so I want them to understand what it feels like. Unfortunately, not only is this immature and mean, but if the person that I am lashing out at actually had the capacity or compassion to understand my feelings, then they probably wouldn't have hurt me in the first place. It's a waste of time, and then instead of feeling happy and avenged, I end up feeling even worse because I let my emotions take control. The low road never yields good results for me.

I write about this now because it just happened to me. I chose option #2. Months of anger due to pent-up hurt feelings came exploding out of me. (And I use the term pent-up pretty loosely because I tend to let everyone around me know exactly how I am feeling). Do I regret it? Absolutely. But there is nothing to be done about it now.

So anyways, that's just what I have been thinking about. It's off to listen to some "white noise" and hug a horse pillow!