everything in life is only for now

My entire life, I have striven for one thing - to find total happiness.

I think, for everyone, this is a work in progress.

2010 has been a emotionally trying year for me. In some aspects, I have been incredibly happy. My training year, my race season, my coach, and my team all have been amazing. I have achieved things that a year ago I would have thought were impossible. I have set new standards for myself and I am determined to reach them. My confidence in my abilities as an athlete has soared. I have made many new friends. I have become much closer with a few people in my life. For someone who tries to remain a reasonable distance from everyone, this is a big deal. I am not close to a lot of people. Every time I get close to anyone, I wind up getting burned and then I have to figure out what to do once that person is gone from my life.

For a long time, I swore that I was one of those girls that didn't get along with other girls. I only hung out with guys and that allowed me to keep my distance because girls don't bond with guys in the way that they bond with other girls. Now that I have some female friends that I would consider to be good friends, I realize what I missed out on for all of those years when I was hanging out with a bunch of dudes. I also have a coach that I would trust with my life, and I think that is worth mentioning because I am a control freak, and it's a big deal for me to put so much of my life (because let's face it - Ironman training is a huge commitment) into someone else's capable hands. I don't make the decisions about my training - Mary does.

Unfortunately, as I get older, my ability to trust other people and have faith in the goodness of other people is diminishing. I don't want to sound like I am jaded, because I'm not. But after lost friendships, and failed relationships, and getting hurt, sometimes I lose faith in peoples' abilities to love me as a person. I am who I am. Be it too intense, emotional, or what have you, this is who I am. True friends love me anyways. Do I need anybody other than that in my life? No.

So thank you, members of Train-This who are ok with me being slightly crazy. Ken and Kim have both dealt with my meltdowns. Poor Mary has dealt with pretty much every side of my personality. My friend Ari I think has even see me cry (how embarrassing!).

I am now striving for relationships with people where they won't bail on me no matter what I do (this being within reason..). It's harder to find than I used to think. I don't want to go through life worrying that people in my life don't like me. And if you know me, you know that I worry.. about EVERYTHING. It's exhausting. For years I have been a doormat for friends and boyfriends where I put in a lot of effort and never got anything in return. And I continued to hope that things would eventually change. But relationships like that do not change. I constantly worried that if I told these people who were walking all over me how I really felt, or if I let my them see some unpleasant side of me, that they'd bail on me. That just doesn't work. It's not healthy, and it's no way to go through life. I am done with that.

I'm going to leave you now with something from one of my favorite Broadway shows - Avenue Q.

everyone's a little bit unsatisfied
everyone goes 'round a little empty inside
take a breath
look around
swallow your pride
for now..